Hey there
So it’s been a long time since I last wrote. Despite the last time I wrote, though, it’s still winter. Yep, still winter. Yes, it’s almost April, I know, but it’s still winter.
On February 16th I hit my six month marker of living in New York City. I was in California at the time so I didn’t exactly remember that. A lot has changed since then and when I moved here in general.
It took me a long time to like New York. Well maybe not. Maybe less than a year really isn’t that long. There was a time around December to January that I honestly really didn’t like it. I missed California nature, weather, and breathing air that didn’t taste like gasoline. I also missed my big room, my exotic eating adventures, and the film production company I was part of that always made sure I was always working on something. I also missed being gainfully employed which I wasn’t for awhile.
In February, I went to California and realized why I left. San Francisco feels so much smaller than New York, and if I went back things would pretty much be the same for me. Looking at it, I didn’t see any major growth potential there for me. Also, with the exception of a few close friends in San Francisco, I radically prefer the people in New York. It also helped that while I was in SF it rained for much of the time and ended up being 70 degrees back in New York (Unfortunately, I missed that day). For the first time since I moved to New York, a vacation away left me desperately wanting to go back home. I guess it just took a matter of time.
Since I’ve been back, I’ve been happy every day to be here. Even the lack of trees hasn’t bothered me (I will plan trips up north once the weather has gotten a little better). It also didn’t hurt that I got a job interview and a job right after coming back from CA. Then I got another job. Then I made a lot of new friends, saw a lot of great shows and films…and well, things have been on the up and up!
The most important decision I made was almost less than two weeks ago, and that was to change my approach to my web project. I had been creating these enormous worlds and character arcs, and in doing so realized there is no way in hell I’ll be shooting anytime soon if I make something this grand. I remember back in August, that this is exactly what I didn’t want to do. I wanted to hone in on writing short pieces so that I could focus more on the details and produce more work. Since then it seems I strayed from this initial wish. I thought by doing a web series I would be going the shorter route, but the reality is that web series are about as easy as a feature! If I’m going to do a web series, why not do a feature? Writing features is what I ultimately want to do after all.
So I’ve come up with a plan to get me where I want to go, and I think it’s gonna work! I’m going to start shooting little shorts in April. I’ve already written a ka-trillion things, and I have a friend who also wants to produce a lot of things as well. Working together, we are going to do these shorts throughout the summer. In the meantime, I’m either going to work on the web series or the feature I’ve been dreaming of — Whatever comes more naturally. That way I can perfect my craft and create a name for myself, while also keeping my mind on my longer term goals.
So that is all for now, I hope to report more soon.
Sorry for disappearing for so long!
Photos from 2010
On the way to the tourist club on Mt. Tam in January. Very beautiful path. See views below:
Ashley and Jesse at Muir Beach Jan 2010.
Me somewhere in Napa in Feb. 2010.
A cold foggy winter day. Photo taken from Bernal Heights.
Another winter day, but this time in Glen Park (My favorite park in SF).
View from Mount Bonnell outside of Austin, Texas where we were visiting for SXSW. March 2010.
The ‘Violet something or other’ cocktail I got at East Side Show room in Austin, Texas. Want that cocktail again!
Location scouting in Sonoma at Scribe Winery in April 2010.
Still from Violet is Single shot at Beretta in May 2010.
Some glorious short ribs dish I had at Zuni in May or June.
Visit to Bryce Canyon in July 2010.
Salt Lake City, UT in July 2010.
A lake with a view of the Grand Tetons in Wyoming. July 2010.
Big horn national park in July 2010.
The Badlands, SD July 2010.
Foliage in Brooklyn, October 2010.
High School Park, Elkins Park, PA November 2010.
Wissahickon Park, Philadelphia, PA December 2010.
My cats Oona and Seamus. December 2010.
2010
2010 was a complicated year, especially considering all the natural and not so natural disasters (oil spill) that took place. It was definitely a year of immense energy, both good and bad. However, in my life it was a year of challenge, and accomplishing things that I had been dreaming of doing my whole life. In a way it was my year, and it set the path for great things to come.
That being said, I am the type of person who often is a bit down on myself (I know, some of you don’t believe this, but let me explain). I often compare myself to people my age who are more successful, and I worry that I haven’t done enough. So at first, I didn’t really notice that it was my year. However, one particular day this fall I was walking outside and I was swept over with this totally random, yet reassuring thought: ‘You’re doing a wonderful job, and everything is going to work out for you. Your hard work will pay off.’
I don’t know where it came from. Maybe it was the fact that I was 3,000 miles from where I was just two months earlier and my life was entirely different than it was before. But, strange as this may sound, before that moment it really hadn’t occurred to me that my hard work was going to pay off. I imagined that I would be struggling for the next years, and only when I was ‘old’ would things start to make sense. Until then, I was just in it for the process which to me had it’s very sweet moments even if that process often ended up kicking my ass (If you’re a film director you know what I’m talking about). I didn’t expect any recognition, at least not in the near future.
What I realized after that day is that I am deserving of recognition, but I also realized that I myself must also give myself that recognition. For the last few years, I’ve made lots and lots of lists of things I want to accomplish. They are long and I have books full of them. Shortly after I had my ‘life isn’t out to get you moment’ I decided that I should do myself a favor and not make a list of what I need to do, but rather make a list of what I already did. It’s time that I celebrate my achievements. So I made a list. And you know what? I was blown away! I couldn’t believe that I had done all these cool things in just one year. I mean, just look at this shit:
1) I wrote and directed a 21 minutes film that I received a first place award for it. The film won for disciplines in cinematography, and acting and got an outstanding award for writing and directing.
2) I traveled across the country. I have been talking about doing this for years, and never did it. I dreamed of the Utah landscape, and I got to see it!
3) I moved to New York City – another thing I was talking about doing for years.
4) I stopped working a 9-5 job and began freelancing.
5) I got paid to work in film.
6) I learned a shit ton about production design, and also got paid to do it.
7) I got an apt in New York with cheap rent (This is an accomplishment).
8) I decided to be single.
9) I went to SXSW and had an amazing time. I learned so much about film, and made fantastic contacts.
10) I started doing work in child care and pet care things I’d always wanted to try my hands at.
11) I started really teaching myself about wine.
12) I learned a different level of compassion by working with low income people in the tenderloin for 8 months. I helped make their day to day lives better, and had to save the day more than once (all while writing, directing, and producing my short!)
13) I made a bunch of new friends in New York!
14) I finally learned the value of home cooked meals and how to eat cheaply.
15) I got invited to be a member of the WGAE, which is an honor.
16) I started and am almost finished my writer/director reel.
17) I developed a concept for a feature script and started writing it.
18) I developed a concept for a web series and am almost done writing it.
19) Applied for a grant for young female film directors.
20) Sent out query letters and got submission fees waived (and made contacts) for several film festivals. Applied to said festivals and more!
So those are the things that I did in 2010. I’ll wait to give you my 2011 resolutions for the next post. I deserve to revel in this for a little 
Women and Black Swan
There have been a lot of amazing films created by or about women this year. I saw three movies this year that really blew me away and changed the ways in which we see women depicted in film.
Among them are Tiny Furniture written, directed, and starring 23 year old Lena Dunham. Dunham investigates and plays the character of Aura as she navigates the world of post college life and seeks to answer the question “What the fuck am I supposed to do with my life?” in all its rawness. And when I say ‘in all it’s rawness’ I ask you to picture a normal looking not so skinny girl battling issues of ambition while walking around the house not wearing pants. Her exposed not imperfect body on camera is a breath of fresh air to all the skinny things you see in films. Not only that, but the film has one of the most fresh and original voices of cinema to date, and is amazingly funny. And it was written and shot in about two months! The film is ultimately impressive, and its creator is nothing less than a genius and a prodigy. However, it was purposely not added to Mark Asch’s ‘Best Movies of 2010′ list in the L Magazine because Lena Dunham is ‘too young’, and the reward is more appropriate for a veteran filmmaker like Woody Allen. (Yeah, because Woody Allen needs more recognition. Also, I wonder if he would have said this about 24 year old Richard Kelly, the writer and director of Donnie Darko…)
Another great one this year was Winter’s Bone, a film about a young Ozark Mountain girl who must find her drug dealing father to save her mother and siblings from having their home repossessed. Throughout the film, protagonist Ree must navigate what is a terrifying world of patriarchy and poverty to save her family, and does so with such bravery that I felt like ten times more the woman just from watching her. Truly, this film had one of the most powerful female characters I’ve ever seen!
Thirdly, the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo and its subsequent films hit theaters, and boy are these films a ladies dream come true. A film about a woman who goes after rapists and sex offenders? Violence on screen was never so fun to watch, and so justified! And yes, the films were based on books that were written by a man.
Not only were these films engaging, chilling, and funny, they were refreshing. It is refreshing for any group typically erased or misrepresented in media to lay their eyes upon content that really speaks to them and their needs, and that is what each of these films did. Of these three films, though, I’m pretty sure none of them are going to win an Oscar. But, what may very well win an Oscar you ask? Black Swan. A movie written about women by three men and directed by a man (Darren Arnofsky) who now already has a track record for girl-on-girl action scenes (remember that terrifying one from Requiem for a Dream?) What is wrong with the world?
Besides this, Black Swan is not a bad film. It is beautifully directed with superb camera work, amazing costumes and makeup, and a fantastic performance from Natalie Portman that leaves your chest tightened several notches. But in the grand scheme of the film world, and of women, do we really need another film about waify anorexic white girls going through a long over due sexual awakening? Especially when that awakening is inspired and forced upon the woman by a man? Can we let the Victorian values and notions of femininity go pleasssee?
The answer to this question is no. No we really don’t need another one of these movies. As movies we don’t need, though, it had its merits.
Natalie Portman described the movie as ‘a feminist film’. I have an idea why she might have thought this. In the film, Nina battles the age old conflict almost all women face at some point in their lives: Should I be the good girl or bad girl?
At the beginning of the film, Nina is definitely a good girl (the white swan) and she is thus faced with a conflict many young ‘white swans’ face. She feels a pressure to be sexy, and to be desirable to men. The fact that she fails at this is made all too clear when she is practicing the black swan and her director Thomas (Vincent Cassel) says to her male dance partner, “Would you fuck this woman?” Throughout the film she struggles and is haunted by the woman ‘men would want to fuck’, but she is also aware of the complications of being this person as well.
She is aware, from seeing former prima ballerina Beth, that being sexy alone isn’t going to help her keep her career. Nina sees this when she sees the rejected dancer Beth (played by Winona Ryder) who asks Nina what she had to do to get the role. “Did you suck his cock?,” she asks Nina. Beth insinuates that it was Thomas’ interest in Nina, rather than her talent that got her the role which is painful for Nina to hear. Unfortunately, we know from seeing Nina’s interaction with the teacher (the bite) that this is partially true. On the other side of things, it is sex appeal and age (in this case the lack there of) that eventually cause Beth to lose her role as the prima ballerina. Thus, Nina is entering a lose lose situation.
The problem, as is with many women, is that Nina has to go into this lose lose situation as if she can actually win. She must perform the impossible task of being both of these women without feeling the consequences. One might wonder if the writer’s had this struggle in mind when creating this story. That being said, Nina’s impossible quest for perfection (the main plot of the film that I have not discussed as much here) can be likened to her quest to meet the patriarchy’s unrealistic expectations of what a woman should be. Only when she has become completely insane and is on the brink of dying is she able to meet either of these goals, possibly because to meet either of these goals would drive anyone insane.
From this one might think that Arnofsky and the writers may not only be critiquing the single minded pursuit of perfection, but also the pursuit of being ‘the perfect woman’ as idealized by the patriarchy (The one who is sexy and pure all at once).
When viewed in this way, I have to applaud Mr. Arnofsky and the writers. They’ve provided a very strong portrait of being a woman in a patriarchal society. However, how many people who see this movie have this point of view? Is this critique clear to the audience? I don’t think it is.
The film is dubbed “a psycho sexual thriller” and, as one reviewer pointed out, is especially appealing to male audiences because of a girl on girl sex scene between Portman and Mila Kunis. The sad fact is that, to the general public, these qualities might overwhelm the more interesting detailed aspects of the story that I have discussed. It may come off as another movie written by dudes about women that has a girl on girl sex scene. And unfortunately, that’s exactly what it’s going to be to many people, and we certainly don’t need any more of those type of movies. We really don’t.
In conclusion, you might say that I’m missing the point of this film and it’s brilliance. Don’t think any of the glamor, the make up, or the tense moments were lost on me though. In fact, the message that the pursuit of perfection is problematic, maybe even futile, inspired me to take it easy and relax more this past week. I was nothing less than inspired by this message. However, as a living breathing female and as a majority of the population of the USA this is the larger picture for me: I’ve grown up and been affected by movies like this for 26 years now and I’m tired of seeming them.
I want content that doesn’t bog me down. Movies where a woman doesn’t die in the end. Films that have female characters like me and/or someone I’d like to get a drink with (Someone who is neither a black or white swan). I want to see more women who aren’t white, rich, or hetrosexual playing key roles in films. And most of all, I don’t want the critics, distributors, or brothers of the industry to hold back these works so that they can gain the popularity they deserve. Films like the ones I mentioned at the beginning of this post, can change lives, and make happier many an American woman. But, until these films are the norm, until these films are the oscar winners of the year, we don’t need another movie like Black Swan.
Dear December
In the past few years, December has been one of my favorite times of year. Looking back on it, I wonder if that was because I was living in California and it wasn’t so cold I thought my nose was going to fall off, but hey I’m going to pretend it isn’t cold and that that isn’t the reason. Ok, back to the facts.
As Decembers go, this has been one of the toughest I’ve gone through. I’m getting used to a new climate, different types of people, food, well everything. When you live in a new place you first have this glory period where everything seems really new and fun. You are a bambi, you shine bright and innocent and people want to be around your energy (this explains why it’s so easy to get laid while traveling). But after living in a place for awhile you start to feel like it’s different, but not quite home and this odd transitional phase is when I think about when I think about why moving can be hard.
About a month ago, I got my tarrot card read by a friend. He pulled out some card that had to do with my current moment and this card had something to do with ‘digging deeper and exploring your demons’. I feel I’ve been doing a lot of that lately. I was told it’s a really good thing, and I think it’s something a lot of us do when we are in a place where we barely know anyone or what to do.
I have been proactive on trying to perfect my day to day and find a long term living situation that fits my needs, however, I have also realized that I haven’t acknowledged certain emotions while doing so. For the most part I’m talking about family things, and I’m going to be vague here, but let me just say that there are certain things going on in my life right now that are likely to effect me forever. I didn’t realize the magnitude of this until I was riding down the street today. I always think about how I have to avoid traffic, and how one mistake from a car could end my life, and then I started to wonder why I felt that way. I often worry about dying, thinking “well what if I die now? What will I have accomplished?” I think this, and then I try to say to myself, “what would be happy about right now if that happened? What has life been to you so far?”
I continually find myself in places where I am not able to focus on the moment, but rather, my grand scheme or whatever it is I think will get me to that next level of contentment. When thinking about death, you start to question that thinking. You start to question where you are. I have bared the burden of death on my shoulder for the last three years, and yet I still cannot think of anything but the future at times. My day to day is almost something I hope I will soon forget like the hours in the cold I thaw out once I’m at home at night. But there are moments, like today, when I remember.
What is most frustrating about these moments is that the present is posed as a question mark, and sometimes, my answer is blank. ‘Besides the artist I am and strive to be, what am I?’ ‘What sort of partner am I?’ What does it mean to be close to me? ‘When will I feel I am part of the flow of things, not just someone walking on the outlines?’ That’s when I remember the things that are going on now. The people close to me that are not so well, and I realize that I myself, no matter how optimistic, am not necessarily either. But in the grand scope of things, I am ok.
But how do I hone in on this? How do I treat my emotions? How do I honor them? Sometimes in this great rat race of life, we think so much about where we are going and not about how we are feeling, and I’d like to know how to stop for a second and feel myself breath.
